Local Nincompoop Loses at Lottery
by Kevin Ahern

In his first attempt at the Mega Millions lottery this week, local nincompoop Todd Wardlow expressed surprise at not winning the $58 million jackpot. “I never played the Lotto before, but when my buddy Scotty (Simmons) told me about how this guy won the big Powerball prize last week, it sounded too good to be true. I mean you only have to pick 6 numbers out of 63. How hard can that be?”

Sources said Wardlow struggled with his first two choices, picking 71 and 84, but the Lotto machine rejected both. When the clerk pointed out to Wardlow that the numbers had to be between 1 and 63, Wardlow’s efforts improved, successfully picking four (14,17,33, and 41) before stumbling on the fifth (68). “I thought anything in the 60s would be safe,” Wardlow sighed, “but it wasn’t.” His last two choices (21 and 19), however, were accepted by the machine. “This thing’s a whole lot harder than I thought, but I pretty much got the hang of it by the end.” Wardlow noted that one of the numbers he picked (14) was, in fact, part of the winning 6, so he felt he was on the right track. “This week I’ll get my ticket early so I don’t have all of that last minute pressure. I don’t need that.”


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