Local Nincompoop Begins Retirement Planning
by Kevin Ahern

Declaring that he didn’t want it to “sneak up” on him, local nincompoop Todd Wardlow announced to reporters on Wednesday that he has started planning for his retirement. Eschewing any investing, counseling, or financial guidance, Wardlow instead is focusing on how he will spend his golden years. “I never liked Mondays, so I think I’ll just sleep in and then kind of ease into each week.” Tuesdays will be reserved for Sportscenter on ESPN to get caught up on the weekend developments.

It won’t be all sitting around for Wardlow, though. “On Wednesdays, it’s $3 pints down at Schmitty’s, so I figure the two block walk down there once a week oughta do the old ticker some good. Also, there’s the All you Can Eat Ribs from 2:00 to 5:00 at Shirley’s Bar-B-Q next door. Guess I’ll be sort of ‘wining and dining’ on Wednesdays,” he said with a wink.

Thursdays are being left open to “keep things flexible.” “I’m not one of those guys who has to have every minute all planned out,” declared Wardlow who speculated he might get together with buddy Jim “Jimbo” Walton or maybe stop in and see the crew at work, should the urge hit. “When you retire,” Wardlow opined, “your time is your own and if I feel like doing something like traveling, then look out North Platte!”

Speaking of travel, Wardlow plans to spend a lot more time working on his car. “I’ve been meaning to put a new knob on my gearshift since forever and I don’t remember the last time I checked the air in the spare tire.” The soon-to-be man-of-leisure also ticked off more frequent oil changes, waxing, installing new wipers and replacing the gaskets in his carburetor on his automotive to-do list, adding “heck, I may even go out and get some Rain-X.”

For many people, adjustment to retirement can be a difficult transition, but Wardlow doesn’t anticipate any problems. Summing up his approach to others, Mr. Wardlow emphasized the importance of being prepared - “You never know when something unexpected is going to happen, so you should be ready for it.”


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