Headlies
by Kevin Ahern

Headlies are headlines that set up a punch line, which is delivered in the subtext.

Headline - Mudslide Hits Nebraska Home
Subtext - Little Prairie on the House

Headline - Seattle Odor Linked to Boeing Noise
Subtext - Pew Jet Sound

Headline - New Fish Finder Patented
Subtext - Herring Aid

Headline - Another Recall for U.S. Automaker
Subtext - Chrysler Imperil

Headline - Russian Trio to Rule France
Subtext - Paris Troika

Headline - Lake Michigan Floods Illinois
Subtext - Chicagone

Headline - U.S. Bombs Iraqi Fairway
Subtext - Persian Golf Crisis

Headline - Circus Hires French Midget
Subtext - Wee Monsieur

Headline - Restaurant Fires Bookkeeper
Subtext - No Accounting for Taste

Headline - Smelly Bandit Robs Store
Subtext - Who was that musked man?

Headline - Motor Pool Advice Given
Subtext - Drive Carfully

Headline - Weird Music Disturbs Germans
Subtext - Unnerving Berlin

Headline - NHL Markets New Computer Game
Subtext - Puck Man

Headline - Debby Boone Refutes Biography
Subtext - “You Lied Up My Life”

Headline - Designer Plans Saudi Show
Subtext - Lauren of Arabia

Headline - Patrons Adjust to Waiter Strike
Subtext - More Forced Bussing

Headline - Winter Storm Hits Germany
Subtext - Helmut Cold

Headline - Campbell’s Chef Commits Suicide
Subtext - Too Many Broths Spoil Cook

Headline - Exxon Involved in African Oil Spill
Subtext - Seeping Slickness

Headline - Religious Dairy Farmers Unite
Subtext - Cheeses, Christ

Headline - Phone Service Cut to NY Town
Subtext - Dis-Schenectady

Headline - Revlon Creates Feb. 14 Makeup
Subtext - St. Valentine’s Day Mascara

Headline - Guru Hired to Settle Labor Dispute
Subtext - Transcendental Mediation

Headline - Geology Group Plans Research Trip
Subtext - Sedimental Journey

Televangelist Admits Preaching to Prostitute
Subtext - Sermon on the Mount

Headline - Bo Derek Gives Rules for Living
Subtext - The “10” Commandments

Headline - War Protesters Adopt French Strategy
Subtext - Peace de Resistance

Headline - Massage Parlor Offers Degree
Subtext - Feeled Biology

Headline - Eye Disease Afflicts Millions
Subtext - Seesickness

Headline - Obese People Die Sooner
Subtext - Hazardous Waist

Headline - Anatomical Find Distresses Theologians
Subtext - God Only Nose

Headline - Basketball Team Markets Underwear Line
Subtext - Portland TailBlazers

Headline - Former Sec. of State Endorses Laxative
Subtext - Colon Pow!

Headline - Ancient Pig Cloned
Subtext - Jurassic Pork

Headline - Cuban Leader’s Brother Declared Traitor
Subtext - Infidel Castro

Headline - Monster Grows Beer Belly
Subtext - Abdominal Snowman

Headline - Spielberg Plans Russian Movie
Subtext - Kremlins

Headline - Spielberg Buys Telephone Company
Subtext - ET&T

Headline - Sperm Bank Opens 3 Years Late
Subtext - Long Time No Seed

Headline - Dairy farmers celebrate at local pub
Subtext - A round about whey

 

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